Women – Guiding GRACE

A young girl sits in a cold, dark room. Tears stream down her red, raw cheeks. She quietly whispers to herself through her own muffled sobs, “How did this happen? How did I get here?” Then suddenly she hears those footsteps again. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. The lock on the door begins to turn and the familiar creak in the hinge echoes through the tiny room. She closes her eyes as tight as she can, but she knows it won’t make it stop. He’s here again…..and this time he isn’t alone.

Another girl sits in front of a mirror. The music is pulsating through every object in this tight and cramped dressing room. She looks herself up and down and wonders if the makeup will hide her true feelings. Her skin is covered in purple, blue, green, and yellow splotches – bruises and track marks – some new, some old – but each carries its own pain and memory. A single solitary tear runs down her face. She wipes it away quickly – she’s not allowed to “feel” anymore. She can’t afford to feel – it’s the only way she can survive. A gruff and burly man pokes his head through the curtain. “You’re on in 2!”, he huffs at her. Slowly her eyes move to the only thing on that table that can make her forget she’s there…make her forget she feels anything at all. Perhaps it’ll offer only a momentary high, but anything that can take away the pain is worth it to her now.

Back and forth another girl walks. Her feet pounding more pavement in a night than most people see all week. She remembers a song from her childhood, Chasing Pavements, but snickers as she realizes THIS is not what Adele had in mind. Quickly, she darts her eyes across the street to see if HE saw her momentary lapse of emotion. The mere thought of HIM sends shivers down her spine, almost as much of thinking of the next John to stop on her strip of sidewalk. This is not the life her mother had planned for her. It’s not even the life she had thought of. All she was looking for was a way out of her house and away from her parents – instead she found a way into her own personal hell on earth. And finding a way out of this hell seemed impossible; death itself might be a sweeter option, she mused.

These might sound like scenes out of a movie. But for far too many, this is a familiar daily occurrence in the world of sex trafficking. And it’s happening all around you whether you realize it or not.

Today is “Shine A Light On Slavery Day” – part of the End It movement. In support of this cause, you’ll see people wearing a red “X” on their hand. But this issue doesn’t just exist one day out of the year. For the people living it, stuck in the middle of it, for girls like these that I’ve spoken of, it’s every single day: 24 hours, 1,440 minutes, 86,400 seconds of a living nightmare.

Many years ago, in my younger days of working youth ministry, I was on an inner city missions trip to St. Louis. Our first night there, after all the kids were sound asleep, the staff of the Dream Center took the leaders out to help with their prostitution ministry. We spent time showing the women, walking the streets, that God’s love for them was unconditional – all while our driver kept an eye on the pimps with the van door open, prepared for us to make a quick getaway if need be. We finished the night, or should I say morning as it was nearing 3am at this point, in a parking lot of a strip club in Illinois, eating BBQ.

At the time, I didn’t think much of this experience outside of what it was on the surface – witnessing and sharing the love of God to those in the “sex industry”. But a couple of years ago, I witnessed one of the saddest things I’ve ever experienced.

While helping a friend look for a runaway, I saw first hand the people inside some of these seedy establishments we all know and pass by often, yet have never given them a second thought. I saw girls, impossibly young, not a day over 16-17yrs, so drugged they could barely stand upright, nearly if not entirely naked, selling themselves for a few dollars and a moment of dancing to men three times their age.

My heart immediately ached for these girls. I wondered how many of them had families who were desperately looking for them too? These were girls who had likely been lured away with the promise of a better life, their own life away from the parents they thought at the time they hated, promised a job and roof over their head – and before they knew it, they found themselves addicted and indebted to a man who not only didn’t love them, but saw them as property instead of a person.

I asked how this could ever be going on…right here in what I thought was a safe city…and why on earth were the police not here, breaking down the doors,to rescue these helpless underage girls?!

My world was quickly turned upside down as I began to hear story after story of how often their (the law’s) hands are tied when it comes to things like this. When fake/false identification is provided that can’t be proven otherwise – when probable cause must exist as well as warrants before they can enter these establishments – and even times when the law works against the girls and is harsher on them than on the perpetrators who put them there.

And this isn’t just happening in one or two places, or one or two cities; it’s everywhere. And whether you realize it or not, it’s all around you too! As you begin to notice the tell tell signs of an enslaved person, you begin to see it everywhere – even more so when events come to town where there is an influx of people. It’s not just frightening, it’s downright horrific.

What, you may ask, should you take away from all of this? Perhaps you’ve known of this already occurring in your city. Or maybe I’ve enlightened you to a world you thought was CHOSEN by these people “working” in it? What I desire you take away from this is that it’s time we no longer turn a blind eye to sex trafficking and slavery and instead choose to make a difference. Whether that’s praying for them, showing God’s love to them, getting involved in ministries helping them, or donating so others can make a difference- DO SOMETHING! Quit sitting idly by thinking this will never affect you.

I could certainly talk on and on about this issue. No girl should ever have to experience this – but those who have should know – IT DOES NOT DEFINE THEM! They are just as valuable to God as you and I are. They’re just as beautiful. Just as smart. Just as precious. They are worthy not only of God’s love, but of His sacrifice for each of us.

YOU can make a difference too by getting involved!

A21 Campaign – Founded by Christine Caine – they are setting out to abolish slavery and human trafficking – http://www.A21.org

Bochy’s Place – Founded by Carla Shellis – giving these girls, who have been rescued out of this world, not just a place to live and recover, but a foundation to build a life – http://www.bochysplace.com

A few days after I posted ‘Toss the List‘, my father posted two great articles on Facebook from Charisma Magazine.

When God dealt with me, and my list for a husband, back in 2002, He didn’t leave me without some guidelines of what to believe for and look for. But what is important to understand is that it’s not MY list, it’s God’s list for me. I sought after God and what He wanted for me and my husband.

I don’t look at this list every day. I don’t even look at it every month. I’ve had 12 years with this list, so trust me, it’s imprinted on the very depths of my soul at this point. But I also don’t share it with others – this is something between myself and God. I’ve seen what can happen when women share their lists; magically Mr. Wrong starts doing everything right to fulfill that list. The last thing I want is Mr. Wrong parading in Mr. Right’s clothing – I’ve encountered enough wolfsheeps for a lifetime.

I can’t tell you what is right or wrong for YOUR list of the spouse God has for you. That is between you and God. But I can honestly say if God had a general guideline for all of us, these two articles written by J. Lee Grady, for his blog Fire In My Bones for Charisma Magazine, are superb and yet so simple in their truths.

As Christians, the unbeliever should be a non-negotiable for relationships. When I first moved back from living overseas, I was spending time with a guy I had grown up next door to – he was/is an Atheist. I enjoyed his company. We had a lot of the same likes and interests, and definitely the same sense of humor. But when I brought one of my brothers along with us on one of our “friend dates” and I saw the disappointment in his eyes that he later vocalized, I knew these were waters I didn’t need to be treading. Which also goes back to the dangers of casual dating when you don’t see a future there, even casual friend dates…someone always ends up with feelings involved, even if it’s unintentional.

So I hope you all take a moment to read these articles that were written last year around Valentine’s Day (or as many of us call it, Single Awareness Day). And please, PLEASE, pay close attention to the very first one – The Unbeliever and “Missionary Dating”.

10 Men Christian Women Should Never Marry by J. Lee Grady

My wife and I raised four daughters—without shotguns in the house!—and three of them have already married. We love our sons-in-law, and it’s obvious God handpicked each of them to match our daughters’ temperaments and personality.

I have always believed God is in the matchmaking business. If He can do it for my daughters, He can do it for you.

Today I have several single female friends who would very much like to find the right guy. Some tell me the pickings are slim at their church, so they have ventured into the world of online dating. Others have thrown up their hands in despair, wondering if there are any decent Christian guys left anywhere. They’ve begun to wonder if they should lower their standards in order to find a mate.

My advice stands: Don’t settle for less than God’s best. Too many Christian women today have ended up with an Ishmael because impatience pushed them into an unhappy marriage. Please take my fatherly advice: You are much better off single than with the wrong guy!

Speaking of “wrong guys,” here are the top 10 men you should avoid when looking for a husband:

1. The unbeliever. Please write 2 Corinthians 6:14 on a Post-it note and tack it on your computer at work. It says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (NASB). This is not an outdated religious rule. It is the Word of God for you today.

Don’t allow a man’s charm, looks or financial success (or his willingness to go to church with you) push you to compromise what you know is right. “Missionary dating” is never a wise strategy. If the guy is not a born-again Christian, scratch him off your list. He’s not right for you. I’ve yet to meet a Christian woman who didn’t regret marrying an unbeliever.

2. The liar. If you discover that the man you are dating has lied to you about his past or that he’s always covering his tracks to hide his secrets from you, run for the nearest exit. Marriage must be built on a foundation of trust. If he can’t be truthful, break up now before he bamboozles you with an even bigger deception.

3. The playboy. I wish I could say that if you meet a nice guy at church, you can assume he’s living in sexual purity. But that’s not the case today. I’ve heard horror stories about single guys who serve on the worship team on Sunday but act like Casanovas during the week. If you marry a guy who was sleeping around before your wedding, you can be sure he will be sleeping around after your wedding.

4. The deadbeat. There are many solid Christian men who experienced marital failure years ago. Since their divorce, they have experienced the Holy Spirit’s restoration, and now they want to remarry. Second marriages can be very happy. But if you find out that the man you are dating hasn’t been caring for his children from a previous marriage, you have just exposed a fatal flaw. Any man who will not pay for his past mistakes or support children from a previous marriage is not going to treat you responsibly.

5. The addict. Churchgoing men who have addictions to alcohol or drugs have learned to hide their problems—but you don’t want to wait until your honeymoon to find out that he’s a boozer. Never marry a man who refuses to get help for his addiction. Insist that he get professional help and walk away. And don’t get into a codependent relationship in which he claims he needs you to stay sober. You can’t fix him.

6. The bum. I have a female friend who realized after she married her boyfriend that he had no plans to find steady work. He had devised a great strategy: He stayed home all day and played video games while his professional wife worked and paid all the bills. The apostle Paul told the Thessalonians, “If anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either” (2 Thess. 3:10). The same rule applies here: If a man is not willing to work, he doesn’t deserve to marry you.

7. The narcissist. I sincerely hope you can find a guy who is handsome. But be careful: If your boyfriend spends six hours a day at the gym and regularly posts closeups of his biceps on Facebook, you have a problem. Do not fall for a self-absorbed guy. He might be cute, but a man who is infatuated with his appearance and his own needs will never be able to love you sacrificially, like Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25). The man who is always looking at himself in the mirror will never notice you.

8. The abuser. Men with abusive tendencies can’t control their anger when it boils over. If the guy you are dating has a tendency to fly off the handle, either at you or others, don’t be tempted to rationalize his behavior. He has a problem, and if you marry him you will have to navigate his minefield every day to avoid triggering another outburst. Angry men hurt women—verbally and sometimes physically. Find a man who is gentle.

9. The man-child. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m suspicious of a guy who still lives with his parents at age 35. If his mother is still doing his cooking, cleaning and ironing at that age, you can be sure he’s stuck in an emotional time warp. You are asking for trouble if you think you can be a wife to a guy who hasn’t grown up. Back away and, as a friend, encourage him to find a mentor who can help him mature.

10. The control freak. Some Christian guys today believe marriage is about male superiority. They may quote Scripture and sound super-spiritual, but behind the façade of husbandly authority is deep insecurity and pride that can morph into spiritual abuse. First Peter 3:7 commands husbands to treat their wives as equals. If the man you are dating talks down to you, makes demeaning comments about women or seems to squelch your spiritual gifts, back away now. He is on a power trip. Women who marry religious control freaks often end up in a nightmare of depression.

If you are a woman of God, don’t sell your spiritual birthright by marrying a guy who doesn’t deserve you. Your smartest decision in life is to wait for a man who is sold out to Jesus.

8 Women Christian Men Should Never Marry by J. Lee Brady

Last week my column “10 Men Christian Women Should Never Marry” went viral. More than 1.2 million people have shared that message so far—most likely because so many single men and women are seriously asking for guidelines on finding a compatible mate.

In response I received numerous requests to share similar guidelines for men who are looking for wives. Since I am mentoring several young men right now and have seen a few of them marry successfully during the past few years, it wasn’t difficult to draft this list. These are the women I tell my spiritual sons to avoid:

1. The unbeliever. In last week’s column, I reminded women that the Bible is absolutely clear on this point: Christians should not marry unbelievers. Second Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (NASB). Apart from your decision to follow Christ, marriage is the single most important decision you will ever make. Don’t blow it by ignoring the obvious. You need a wife who loves Jesus more than she loves you. Put spiritual maturity at the top of your list of qualities you want in a wife.

2. The material girl. One young friend of mine was engaged to a girl from a rich family. He saved up money for months to buy a ring, but when he proposed she told him he needed to go back to the jewelry store to buy a bigger diamond. She pushed her fiance to go into debt for a ring that fit her expectations. She wanted a Tiffany’s lifestyle on his Wal-Mart budget. I warned my friend that he was stepping into serious trouble. Unless you want to live in debt for the rest of your life, do not marry a girl who has dollar signs in her eyes and eight credit cards in her Gucci purse.

3. The diva. Some macho guys like to throw their weight around and pretend they are superior to women. Divas are the female version of this nightmare. They think the world revolves around them, and they don’t think twice about hurting somebody else to prove their point. Their words are harsh and their finger-snapping demands are unreasonable. Some of these women might end up in leadership positions at church, but don’t be fooled by their super-spiritual talk. Real leaders are humble. If you don’t see Christlike humility in the woman you are dating, back away from her and keep looking.

4. The Delilah. Remember Samson? He was anointed by God with superhuman strength, but he lost his power when a seductive woman figured out his secret and gave her man the world’s most famous haircut. Like Delilah, a woman who hasn’t yielded her sexuality to God will blind you with her charms, break your heart and snip your anointing off. If the “Christian” woman you met at church dresses provocatively, flirts with other guys, posts sexually inappropriate comments on Facebook or tells you she’s OK with sex before marriage, get out of that relationship before she traps you.

5. The contentious woman. A young man told me recently that he dated a girl who had serious resentment in her heart because of past hurts. “Before I would propose, I told my fiancee she had to deal with this,” he explained. “It would have been a deal-breaker, but there was a powerful breakthrough and now we are engaged.” This guy realized that unresolved bitterness can ruin a marriage. Proverbs 21:9 says, “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” If the woman you are dating is seething with anger and unforgiveness, your life together will be ruined by arguing, door-slamming and endless drama. Insist that she get prayer and counseling.

6. The controller. Marriage is a 50/50 partnership, and the only way it works is when both husband and wife practice mutual submission according to Ephesians 5:21. Just as some guys think they can run a marriage like a dictatorship, some women try to manipulate decisions to get their way. This is why premarital counseling is so important! You don’t want to wait until you’ve been married for two weeks to find out that your wife doesn’t trust you and wants to call all the shots.

7. The mama’s girl. It’s normal for a new wife to call her mom regularly for advice and support. It is not normal for her to talk to her mother five times a day about every detail of her marriage, including her sex life. That’s weird. Yet I have counseled guys whose wives allowed their mothers (or fathers) total control of their marriages. Genesis 2:24 says a man is to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Parents should stay in the background of their children’s marriages. If your girlfriend hasn’t cut the apron strings, proceed with caution.

8. The addict. So many people in the church today have not been properly discipled. Many still struggle with various types of addictions—to alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription medicines or pornography—either because we don’t confront these sins from the pulpit or we don’t offer enough compassionate support to strugglers. Jesus can completely set a person free from these habits, but you don’t want to wait until you’re married to find out your wife isn’t sober. You may still be called to be married, but it is not wise to tie the knot until your girlfriend faces her issues head-on.

Your best rule to follow in choosing a wife is found in Proverbs 31:30: “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Look past the outward qualities that the world says are important, and look at the heart.